February 14.

Dear Mr. Valentine,

After much deliberation, our association has decided that we need to write you this letter as the “celebration” of your death torments us every year.

For us ASCAW (Association of Side Chicks Around the World), February 14 is marked as a “black day”. Nothing good ever happens that day…well, except the fact that some of our members we consider lucky occasionally get “duplicated” gifts from our bobos and the extremely lucky get to spend time with them.

Before I continue, let me do a brief introduction of our Association mainly because a lot of people judge us on seeing the “side chicks” in our name:

We are simply a non-profit earning non-govermental organisation whose main aim is to keep randy boyfriends at bay. We provide stability in the lives of your boyfriends such that instead of them jumping from one girl to another, we (sometimes unprofessionally referred to as the “other girl”) offer our free services. Because we reserve the right to get jealous, your boyfriend would just be with one of us at a time. He can change us at any time but the “don’t date your ex’s rule” is one we take really seriously. Simply putting it, you, unsexily referred to as “madam”, are the constant while we are the variables. Yayyy you 😐
We however happily accept donations although some members have been reported to demand for it like our very-different-but-easily-mistaken-for-each-other WAGA (Worldwide Aristole Girls Association). This act is totally unacceptable. We are also very comfortable with our position as side chicks (one of the requirements of being a member of the association) but should anyone get a stable relationship & wants to move on, we happily escort them out and reserve their slot for their boyfriend’s side chick. We are that nice :).

I digress…

Mr. Valentine, Y U DIE FOR YOUR LOVER?!! Like seriously, did you not have anything meaningful to do with your life? We think you were just an attention-seeking man whore that wanted to make headlines by all means. With your little “heroic” act, you not only made headlines, but you got a date dedicated to yourself and even a colour code for that day.

Oh!!! You’re not aware of that? Well, let me inform you that on my radar here, people wear red or atleast, a touch of it which is very irritating because they do not stay in their houses after this. No! Instead, they flood various eateries that make a failed attempt at romance by putting disco lights up.

What irks us more, Mr Val, is that for we regular side chicks people that do not wait for your remembrance to eat outside, we get a rude shock when we enter our favorite eateries and see people sitting down in 2’s like the game “Diner Dash” and munching on sausage roll and ice cream. The dirty look these people give you when you mistakenly hit their chairs when they are busy staring into each other’s blood-shot eyes makes us wanna smack their red eye shadow off their faces. What a way to remind you you’re so much alone & a side chick? KMT

After listening to “Lie about us” all day, the last thing you want to see is people in red holding hands and giggling. By now, you must be thinking our association is a sad one! Yes we are! Very much so because even when valentine falls on a working day, your “faithful’s” still find a way of shifting it to the weekend, staining the street with their reds.

Its not even as if we are mad because the madams get the gift, its because any bobo that wants to get us gifts ends up messing it up. Take for example, Jacintha was given a bag last year by her bobo and immediately, he left to go and show madam “valentine love”. She went through the stuff he bought her and she found 2 colours of the same dress. While wondering why he got her the same type and laughing with us over how silly men can be with shopping, bobo called her to tell her one belonged to madam & he mistakenly gave her. Oh oh? You would say “Wow” too.

What pained Jacintha wasn’t the fact that bobo had a madam, far from it (she knew this duhhh). It was because she was going to be rocking the same dress with madam in the same town. Oh boy! Did we laugh.

We side chicks get no love on Feb 14. Our ever-ringing phone stays silent and we just lay in bed looking for who is subbing who on our TL all day. That aint right.

We hope you’re happy wherever you are now seeing as people in love and supermarkets love you and all. For your information, the stake gets higher every year. Now there’s BB Porsche and a whole lot of gadgets since you killed yourself. Oh? You thought people would stick to giving out one stick of rose and putting it in their partner’s hair while dancing between tall palm trees &singing like in that scene of “Yemi my lover”?! Dey dere dey carry last. This is 2012 and no girl can allow one guy stick rose in her expensive brazillian weave. That singing & dancing ehn? Forget it! Girls & guys would rather spend their time opening numerous gift wrappings now.

A lot of people have been saying they hate valentine’s day and that its overrated. Yes! We agree. Apart from the fact that we are all sad, we have also given you our own reason(s) for hating it. Mainly being that’s the day we get reminded of our role as side chicks. Non pleasanto!

Mr. Valentine, rest however you’ve been resting before. Hope you know suicide is a sin. I’m sure there won’t be any time for stories as to why you killed yourself in heeaven. That’s your own palavar sha. Whatever.

After next week, we shall be happy with our bobo’s playing our hide & seek games and giving them the sex of their lives.


Foot note: Forms are now out to join ASCWA. If you’re a side chick and you know it, instead of tweet-fighting other side chicks (trust us, the main chick aint on twitter), come and join our philanthropy organisation. Requirement is the picture of your current bobo. (We get the same picture from a lot of ladies so you might even discover your real position in “your” man’s life). We have a lot of celeb alumni like Fantasia, Monica Lewinsky and some Nigerians that we dare not mention their names here…

Motto: Your boyfriend, his secrets and his penis are safe with us. *occupyNigeria fist*

19 Responses to “February 14.”
  1. sisiyemmie says:

    Lol, very funny. Lmao ASCAW!

  2. Jerome says:

    Lmao. Real funny.

  3. whoistunde says:

    Come and be my main chick…as long as Kel doesn’t know 🙂

  4. ” we just lay in bed looking for who is subbing who on our TL all day.’ my fav’rite part……good blog

  5. balakeeee says:

    Great ASCAW!! I so wanna join. How do I obtain a form?

    Nice piece…!!!the introduction of your association was CLASSIC.

  6. krimmedic says:

    How dare they confuse ASCAW with WAGA?? >:O

    Hilarious,as your posts are wont to being. :*

  7. your favorite enemy :* says:

    Hahaha! Is there an NGO for the guys with same objectives? I’m asking for a friend

  8. Mystique_em says:

    LMFAO!!!!……no love for side chicks mehn,no love ( -̩̩̩͡˛ -̩̩̩͡)

  9. Adekunle says:

    Lmaoo!nice 1…am I suprised?nah.you’re great like that :*

  10. Frankices says:

    Hey I wanna be a side chick! Jolie’s. :$

    Lol! Deolaaaaa oh. U will not kill me. (y)

    Dinner Dash. I LURVED that game.

  11. Rinolee says:

    Err….handle of two or three side chicks pls? I don’t mind making them feel like ‘main chicks’ on val’s day :)………….There is a reward for you too ;;)

  12. ShoWontStop says:

    *Your boyfriend, his secrets and his penis are safe with us*

    Buhahahaahahahahaha. I need a side-chick in my life 😦

  13. VillageParrot says:

    *falls off MTN network mast*

  14. cassbaba noni says:

    Lwkmd oooo =))

  15. malota says:

    Loool, you need help. I really enjoyed this

  16. lade says:

    This is too funny

  17. highlandblue says:

    Lol why is Deola single?

  18. enny cole says:

    Very funy! Nyc one! @ http://www.ennycolesnippets.blogspot.com Wil rili appreciate ur patronage. Tanx.

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