Sub City.

SUB CITY.

Try pronouncing this with an American accent…what is your answer? Yeah! That’s what I want to blog about. *strips naked and carries placard to Aso Rock*.

A debate that aired yesterday caused some sort of uproar on twitter and words like abroad, chance, corrupt, patient and subsidy were used a lot. I won’t forget cool abbreviations like NOI, SLS, DAM and my personal fave DGT (Dangote). I made that up a little bit but whatever. RME.

I’m getting my Bruce on and representing the poor students of Nigeria. I will like to be given the opportunity to deliver my speech on the Nigerian students’ opinion and how the removal of Sub City would kill affect us.

*adjusts glasses and strikes Einstein pose*

*smiles for camera*

*straight face*

THE SPEECH

Nigerian leaders have been found, through their actions (& inactions), to be the dumbest amongst their world counterparts. Throughout my more than 2 decades of living in this country, I have been trying to search for a possible reason for this and last month, I hit the waters with this theory: we did not go through all the stages of evolution and so, our brains aren’t properly developed.

Allow me to digress…

Australophithecus Africanus——ยป Homo Habilis———ยป Homo Erectus—–ยป Homo Sapiens. This is the normal evolution sequence, but our forefather -Mr. Oduduwa- was too impatient to go through all 4 stages and then, bribed the EvoRegulator (yeah! That’s his name) who allowed him skip the Homo Habilis and Homo Sapiens stages and here we are today. Stuck!

*Ngozi Okonjo Iweala and Oshiomole laugh till they fall off their chairs*

I will like to inform you here today that Nigerian students do not consider fuel subsidized. We are paying 65bucks for a liter of petrol and you tell us its subsidized? We are bleeping getting you!!!!

*Sanusi Lamido Sanusi stands up to clap but DAM pulls him to sit down*

We, however, think you government officials’ cost of living has been subsidized. (Yeah! That line was stolen but who cares so far its for a good course?). You do not buy petrol, you get paid trillions of naira for arguing and throwing chairs at each other. Even our dear GEJ whom we believe his brain is highly atrophied, is planning to use 1billion Nigerian Naira to buy groceries and 280 million for a car each for him and his puppet vice come 2012- the year of subsidy removal.

I’m confused: if this subsidy is for the good of Nigerians and we have to suffer before we get the enjoyment, shouldn’t the leaders be the ones to set example by sacrificing some unnecessary and even necessary luxuries? How’s buying a billion naira grocery encouraging Nigerians to give up their safe city- Sub City?

Mr. President, the Nigerian students have some questions for you about this wonder car:

Can it swim?

Does it come with a customised express road?

Can it drive itself?

Can one send this car errands?

Can it drive one to heaven?

Does it have a twitter account?

If yes, does it follow back?

About the groceries, one question sir: Were the ugwu leaves and tomatoes planted and plucked from heaven’s garden?

*everybody gets up and starts shouting GO DEOLA*

*i maintain a straight face and bow humbly while telling them to calm down*

We students love our city- Sub City, and we don’t ever want it to be removed but instead, cut down how much you give these obese lawmakers. Are you not ashamed that they don’t get suits their sizes and have to enter coats every time?

*Ben Bruce catwalks by in his well-tailored suit*

We don’t want to think twice before buying that bottle of Fanta. We don’t want to half-trek and ‘half-cab’ or even stay on the roadside for hours begging for free ride to school. We don’t want turn our phones off everytime to conserve battery because phone-charging price has increased. We don’t want our lecturers transferring aggression of having to buy 10 litres of petrol for N1400 to us.

PLEASE HELP US *mumbles ‘or go fuck yourselves’*

I am AAO and I represent the great Nigerian Students.

*crowd cheers*

*does Martin Luther fist pump & quickly rushes back stage to remove wig and fake teeth*.

XOXO

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Comments
17 Responses to “Sub City.”
  1. raihanah says:

    LOL! *removes wig and fake teeth*…

  2. olajohnson says:

    Wonderful piece as usual. I see you writing your own newspaper column soon.

  3. olajohnson says:

    Wonderful piece as usual. I see you writing your own satirical newspaper column soon.

  4. CassBaba says:

    beautiful. (y)

  5. baltimore says:

    When I first saw Sub city..I actually thought the was was going to be about twitter. Guess I thought wrong… All these ur abbreviations tho :s. 9c one

    • adeolaaa says:

      I’m cool like that. *sprays dollars* SLS- Sanusi Lamido Sanusi. DAM- DanSomething A-something Madueke. NOI- Ngozi Okonjo Iweala. DGT- Dangote. RME- Rolling My Eyes. AAO- my name. ๐Ÿ˜€

  6. Frankices says:

    Gooooooooo Einstein! ^_^

    Lol @ “Does it have a twitter account”. (y)

    Jona needs to read this. Put in on his Facebook.

  7. eva says:

    Lmao…lovely babes

  8. elnukcool says:

    Lovely piece. You have this way of saying the truth and making it very hilarious at the same time. Kool trait. Keep it up. Are you sure part of the teeth did not fall out during the speech?

  9. balakeeee says:

    Hmnnn, nice piece…brain dint figure out wat u meant by ‘sub-city’ at first…again I say N I C E!!!!!!!

  10. Egbe ni baby yi, actually thought it had something to do with twitter. Like the caption, SUBcity. Nice piece duck.

  11. Adediran says:

    Hi, nice piece.

    I see u r currently in my home town, osogbo. It would be great to meet and discuss with u during dis festive period. U can add me on bb: 235A5D98

    Cheers.

    Diran

  12. Adediran says:

    Hi Deola

    Nice piece.

    You see, I followed u on twitter and realised u are in my home town, osogbo. I’m in for the holiday. Can we meet up? You can add me on bb: 235A5D98

    Cheers

    Diran

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