My Notes: Uncle Mike.

Dear Uncle Mike,

How are you? Are you back to Ghana? I sincerely hope you are because I am still mad at you. Mad enough to put you as the second recipient of my letter series.

Before I go on, I want to thank you for being my teacher in primary school. I have a lot to thank you for actually, but I’ll just put it in one line—» you still appear in my dream with your black long pankere. 😦

I mean, who has ever seen a BLACK pankere (cane) before? I’m sure nobody. Well, fret not, this cane was made specially by a Ghanian devil for uncle Mike. I shall attempt to describe her with a failed attempt at a poem(I dare not use “it” for the cane…I fear her too much…):

Her slim body glistened like the belly button of an over-fed child;
Her black shadow below the chalkboard is still registered in my mind;
Your little bulge I called the “nipple” constantly rubbed by Mike
While he waited eagerly for who will get your first strike.

Because of this cane (let’s call it Muyee, side eye at @cassbaba), I can define photosynthesis eloquently while receiving head from Idris Elba with Michael Buble playing in the background.

Because of Muyee, I can say if I ever have stretch marks on my butt, they will be charcoal black. FOCUS PEOPLE!!! I said “IF I EVER HAVE…”.

Lastly because of Muyee, I lost my one and only true and best love (they say “innocent love is the best” yeah?). As you all can figure now, this is my greatest grievance; Uncle Mike’s only unforgivable sin. It happened like this *inserts nollywood flashback tune*:

It was break time on a faithless fateful Thursday afternoon. I was in primary 6. We were supposed to get to class as soon as the bell that indicated end of break time went off but home girl decided to treat herself to some last minute ice lolly. What I had in mind was last last, Uncle Mike (he is not my uncle. My uncle can’t be this wicked) will ask me to define photosynthesis again and I would and then walk proudly to my seat, which was in front of my love- Junior (you are very privileged to know his real name). How mistaken I was…:(

Side note: Its not like we only did photosynthesis (elementary science) but Uncle Mike liked asking us to define it just so he could use Muyee on us. How did he do this? I will explain…
Well, you know, being the sad man he was (we learnt he was rejected to go fight war for his country…:( ), he made sure he looked at everybody’s mouth while we all defined it. So it took us like 25 repeats of the definition, several mouth odours, different belch of various foods and some Muyee performance to appease him each morning. *sigh*

I digress…

In my cropped uniform (I was growing way faster than the damn cloth), bowleg-cum-sexy hips and ice lolly nylon in mouth, I walked majestically into the class and behold! Uncle Mike had started teaching us Bible Knowledge. I saw my life flash before my eyes…all those tenten, tinko tinko, rope jumping moments and my dream of becoming a medical doctor just vanished. I was shaking.

“Where are you coming from?”, sad Mike inquired while rubbing Muyee’s nipple.

The ice lolly nylon was still in my mouth…

I was choking.

I removed it.

I was still choking.

I breathed in and out.

I was still choking.

I tried to faint like I watched on the last episode of ika lomo ejo.

I could not.

(I realised there and then acting wasn’t for me)

I just stood there like a dummy, with trembling feet and sweaty palms. The end had come.

“Stand in this circle”, uncle Mike said as he drew a very perfect circle with his chalk on the floor.

“Should I remove my shoe?”, I asked, still trembling.

Wham!!!! That was the sound of Muyee on my body.

*otis scream*

I crawled into the circle on my knees. (I wasn’t asked to kneel down, but the things Muyee did to you…*sigh*)

Wham!!!!

*otis scream* “Uncle please”

Wham!!!!

*otis scream* “Ha! Uncle”

“If you touch it, I’ll start all over again”

In my mind, I was thinking don’t cry, Junior will see your ugly cry mouth.

I was still lost in thought of Junior when the last stroke landed on my butt. It was unexpected and so, some physiological processes took place.

It started as pain, but was quickly turned to chills, then electrical signals which was duly received by my sciatic nerve. These signals then transferred to the pontine micturition centre and cerebral cortex of my brain which stimulated the parasympathetic nerves of my bladder, which caused my detrusor muscle to contract and internal urethral sphincter, relax.

I’m just saying: I pee-ed on my body. *hangs head in shame*

One minute break please. I can’t handle this…

I pee-ed. Right in front of Junior, on my cotiner shoes. Uncle Mike made me pee. 😦

I know it was because of the ice lolly (your opinions are not welcomed), but Junior was there…he saw the whole peeing process (isn’t that supposed to happen when the couple is engaged or something?).

I rushed things with Junior and I by peeing infront of him & he couldn’t handle it. He changed completely.

He started by changing his seat, he later stopped borrowing me his pen and would tell me to go use my pen (he knew I had mine anytime I came to borrow a pen before the incident, but we would both pretend I didn’t just so we could touch talk).

I asked him one day why he stopped talking to me and he said
“It is because you took first position last term”. -____- Guys’ cruelty.

Luckily, I didn’t get any nicknames mainly because after my accidental discharge of amber yellow fluid from my bladder through my urethra, Muyee continued to have this effect on everybody else.

Junior was never a victim though, sadly. We would have just started all over again.

I lost my love…all because of Muyee…of Uncle Mike.

Stay away from me Mike. I’m still hurt.

Thank you.

I STILL LOVE YOU JUNIOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

XOXO

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Comments
37 Responses to “My Notes: Uncle Mike.”
  1. terdoh says:

    Konji in primary school?? Cool. cool. I will let our kids know.

  2. eva says:

    Lmao…I had an ‘uncle mike’ too and his muyee wasn’t a long slim kpankere. It was a big fat stick. Dat guy should have been long taken to d psyche ward before ’em boys dropped him from d top floor of deir hostel in a locker. Smh. Thank God say e no die, but ‘muyee’ eventually became ‘third legee’

  3. Luciano dudu says:

    ROFLMFbigblackAO @ the “otis scream’……… shit! think I got a boner from laughing at that. so the story of Deolaaa and her crushes dates back to the bow legged days *sigh*. P setting lessons are urgently needed my dear

  4. cassbaba noni says:

    Deola u need help o! Lwkmd first time in a few that a blog got me laffing out loud…. Inside BRT for that mata. (Y) so na me be black pankere abi? Loool.

  5. lolade (lawlardehs) says:

    Lmao,ur story is pathetic and hillarious.
    D best part is ur description of peeing in front of Junior,and where is Junior now since u still love him or is it a crush?

  6. krimmedic says:

    Lol! Deola!!!
    “Last episode of ika lomo ejo”? Hahaha.

  7. Luciano dudu says:

    but this is sexual……… in a pedophilia kinda way

  8. femiadigz says:

    The story brings to the vile mind instantly,at the mention of a certain “long black pankere” that the plot is one with a paedophile who likes little girls and punishes them with his instrument.
    But the author is not vile minded. After the second paragraph she clears the air with the tale of how a single act mares the persona of a young girl in love, who couldn’t hold her “pee”.

  9. @McNiche says:

    LWKMD! reading this at work was a bad idea!

    Muyee’s nipple! u got me imagining things here! office colleagues kept asking what the problem was! Hehehehe!
    So right after u, everyone else started to come, sorry..pee, under the ministration of muyee! LOL!

    Nice one, Deola. Looking forward to the next post.

  10. Lol…nice one dear…but u culda named d pankere a feminine name den d statement “Mike inquired while rubbing Muyee’s nipple.” wulda bin interesting to fantasize on(hehehe)…and all dos many many english jst to decribe “I pee-ed on my body” o ga o…

  11. Adrena Lynn says:

    Lmaoooooooooo!!!! “Otis scream”, the whole process before the peeing… NIIIICCCCEEEEEE!!!!
    ♥♥♥

  12. phumeelurlah says:

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha!deola dis is too funny!lol,

  13. elnukcool says:

    Na wa o! Uncle Mike was so good that he made you pee? Muyee did a good job making sure the urinary process was followed and completed. Pele o. Dont worry. Junior will soon come to terms wit you after bout 50 decades. KMSL! Nice one anyway.

  14. @rijiriji says:

    *whew* tot the ABSU tori got u talking bout hw u got molested in primary skool ooo… Choi!!! X_X

    We can all relate to dis tori sha! bt me i no piss 4 body sha :p

    *otis scream* (nice1)

    *ink fadeeeeeeeeees*

  15. Junior says:

    LMAO!!!! Can’t believe u still love me tho, love u more baby :* Check ur DM for my pin 😀

  16. Mopelola says:

    Lmao, Deeyoolaaa! So plenty oyinbo can describe peeing, oga o! I also can relate to muyee too in a way, for me, it was my headmaster’s cane then. Funny how we all can laf abt it now. Sorry about ur primary sch love tho.

  17. sunmbo says:

    Lmaooo deeolaaaaa!!!!!! Hahahahaha, whamm!! Otis Scream iwhammm!!! Loool oya define photosynthesis again.loool nice write up.

  18. radeyo says:

    Lol. I can’t even blame Junior for tuning off. But just 4d fact that u can describe the Pee-ing process in such a physiological context, I’m sure u can switch things back on… Nice post. Hopefully u’ll get over Muyee one day.

  19. balakeeee says:

    Soooooooooooooo interesting!

    I laughed my behind out truout!

    We need to look for junior o, at least to see wat has become of ur bow legs.

    Nice one dear

  20. Kemmiiii says:

    Lmaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!
    So Wrong!!
    I totally loved the Description of the Micturition Reflex (y)

  21. olajohnson says:

    I’ve not laughed so hard before!

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