Miss Influenza

I am sick. Ok…scratch that…I’m not sick, I have cattarh. I’m not like those oyinbos that would stay indoors because they have “the flu”…they will now lie in bed with their red faces like its more than cattarh. NO!!!!

In my house, you are only sick when you have malaria. That’s it!!! You can’t stay in bed because of cattarh. NEVER!!! And u can’t not want to go out because you don’t wanna infect people, MBA!!!! My mum is a nurse so you can’t shakara her with any sickness. She has seen them all.

Side note: did you guys notice what I’ve been doing there? The rhyming? Never? Mba? Yes? No? Well, I’m trying my hands on rap too. Just looking for a side thing incase I decide to be a soupORstar later.

So my mum called me last night when my nose was blocked *insert Computer Village joke here* and I was gasping for breath. Like the good daughter I am, I told her about how I have this cattarh that was made my the devil and how I felt like I would suffocate to death and all those shenanigans. The conversation went…

Me: Mummy, ah, thank God you even called. Ti e ba mo iru cattarh ti mo ni (if u know the type of cattarh I have)…

Mum: ehn ehn? When did it start?

Me: *in very sick voice* yes… *sneezes* terd…*sneezes*….yesterday…*sneezes*

Mum: Wo, ma waste credit mi (look, don’t waste my credit). Is your cattarh different from the one caused by influenza virus?

This is the same woman that calls me for 20 minutes just for gist oh. 😦

Before I go on, who names a virus influenza? That’s a very beautiful igbo name…influenza (try to pronounce it with an igbo accent). I like the name. Like “mummy Influenza, how are you?”

“I’m fine oh”

“Influenza nko?”

“She dey oh. She dey with Papa Influenza”

…Or in school.

Teacher: what’s your name?

Student: my name is Influenza Agbakoba.

I digress…

Me: Mummy, its making my head ache. I feel every orifice (hole)in my body is blocked…*achooooom*

Mum: go and get this drug and that drug…take it…

*i interrupt*

Me: ko s’owo now (no money). I’m broke.

Mum: *in really sad tone* Pele. If you can wait for 2 weeks, the cattarh will disappear on its own. If you still have gas, try and take hot tea or water, that is if you still have beverages. But hot water will do the work too. Before you say your gas is finished, the cattarh will go with or without hot water. Your body immune system will fight it.

At this point, I was just lying on my bed with my mouth opened.

Me: OK mummy. Thanks for calling.

Mum: all those drugs can’t be up to 500 naira. Try and buy them. I can’t go to the bank to send 500.

Me: I was thinking you might want to add something.

Mum: *laughs* no dear. I don’t want to add anything. Maybe when the government starts adding to my salary oh, I’ll now think about it.

Me: ok ma. But I’m really sick sha.

Now I shouldn’t have said that. Total irreversible mistake.

Mum: Get up and find something to eat so you will take your drugs. Do you know how old you are now?

Like I can ever forget my age…atleast, not with the way she keeps reminding me.

I was starting to shut out at this point.

Mum continues: your mates have bla bla bla. When I was your age bla bla bla. Your daddy started fending for himself at 17 years. If you were in your husband’s house with kids, would u bla bla bla?

The talk went on. Deola completely shut out.

Me: ok ma. I’ll take the drugs and eat.

Mum: Kare oko mi (sorry my husband…not literally duh). Do that ok?!

Me: thank you. Bye bye.

Mum confuses me atimes. She just gave me the responsibility lecture and now, she’s petting me. My emotions got scattered at this point; I didn’t know if to feel sad or angry or just smile.

Anyway, I didn’t buy the drugs oh because I REALLY HATE drugs, but I took hot beverage. 😦 2 weeks will soon be over.

Mum has called me like 50 trillion times after then. I don’t know why she shakara’d me at first.
*rolls nose*

The reaction from my friends…

I had 2 friends over yesterday for all of the gists and to take care of me. Told them I have cattarh.

Firstly, they ate ALL the food I cooked and left a little for me. When I complained to them in my very sick voice, they replied

“Shebi you are sick. A sick person doesn’t eat”.

That was when I remembered I shouldn’t have complained too. Atleast, I am sick.

They made hot tea for me. We gisted oh. Plenty gists.

That was how one of them just got up to turn on the fan.

Me: NO now. You know I’m sick. And the fan will make it worse.

Friend 1: ha! Ode. Its cattarh you are calling sickness. *laughs and turns on the fan*

Friend 2: better pick that corner of the room where the breeze doesn’t really get to. I’ll tuck you in.

These people were the same ppl that said “you’re sick” during food time oh.

Human beings are evil. The only thing these girls did was PELE. They said it so religiously that I suspected someone paid them on my behalf to say it.

I was made to face the wall permanently cus I kept sneezing and so I won’t infect them and they gave me a nylon bag for my used tissue papers.

I get NO LOVE. Cattarh is a serious thing. We should realise that already.

I. AM. SICK. *achooooom*

And yeah, I had a chat with my younger sis…

😦 😦


21 Responses to “Miss Influenza”
  1. CassBaba noni says:

    Huh. So catar na sickness? Ok o.

  2. Mariam says:

    So becos u ve catarrh now u r sick Abi? *laffing in yoruba* so u use tissue papers for catarrh too? Tot dey said it is bad, u shld knw beta jare.

    • adeolaaa says:

      I am sick jor 😐 yeah I heard something like that too one time but how do I now clean off d mucus? Seeing as I no get person wey go help me suck am. 😦

  3. Isys says:

    My sister I feel u! I’m suffering frm catarrh right now and I feel terrible! If its not gone in 2days I’ll come dwn with a fever! Don’t mind them, catarrh is an illness jare, I’m bedridden as we speak! All those haters mschew, although my friends r more caring sha…

  4. pelumi says:

    Lmao…nice post dear…ur mumsie na sharp woman(me like)she jst de dish am to u as u de ask(lol) n dt influenza Ish ws off d hook…ok o,deola influenza-2weeks is a long way off so get ur flu ass to d chemist b get Dem drugz,k…pele(and I ws nt paid to say dt)

  5. terdoh says:

    I suffered from ‘influenza’ the whole of last week. I know you’re like “so?”, but consider the fact that I had to stay under AC for that period, and my desk is directly below the split basterd. Life wasn’t good.

  6. tipceee says:

    Madam, kare means well done not sorry :p eiya u dint tell me u were sick I wud v bin wv u in a min….eating d lil ur friends left πŸ˜€

  7. Mopelola says:

    Hmmm my sister, at d momment, I’m also Miss influenza, apart frm d fact dt it gets to dishi u in public (sneezing, blowing ur nose, spitting etc, i dnt wanna irritate uΜ…Μ²ΜΆΜ₯̊ guys), people dnt take it serious, dey luk at you and b like “so what if u got d flu???” I gues its wen dey go down wiv it, dts wen dey knw aw severe it is. Kpele dear, wasn’t paid too.

  8. balakeeee says:

    Heyu, told you about the stalking, dint I?

    Miss influenza, you dint write about my part

  9. baltimore says:

    Miss influenza,if u’d like to be taken seriously when down wiv flu relocate to a more civilized world..this is africa baby..no one gives a flying fuck so \__ … :p

  10. olajohnson says:

    Lol Mariam how do u laugh in hausa?

  11. Frankices says:

    Lmho! U are something else!!

    Why? Oh WHY didnt I read this last year wen it wasnt too late to comment? 😦

    And why cant I tweet any of these posts?! πŸ˜₯

  12. olamide says:

    You are a good writer….u have dis flow of carrying people along. Rly wanna meet you……btw I’m a grl o b4 some pple we be thnking eeeeerm!!!!!!*lipsealed*

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