Life As I Want It

I’m in class right now and I’m bored & tired…I can’t hear a word the lecturer is saying yet every other classmate is laughing hard & saying something. Maybe I’m not listening…maybe I don’t want to hear anything…Heads bowed, licking my sweet Victoria Secrets’ lipgloss (lemme hear ahn ahn ahn ahn *in Pastor Okotie’s voice*), I’m thinking why’s life gotta be this hard?

I have a picture of what life should be…a life that would be fair & nice to us all…

Here is my picture…

1.SCHOOL—-» School won’t be present in my ‘world’…NO SCHOOL…I blame dem Einstein, Newton, Soyinka and co for this actually…when a man doesn’t sit his ass in one place & you think you have some sort of super brain, school is what happens!

Ok! Maybe there would be school but then, lecturers would teach you what exactly you need to know…like now I’m in Microbiology class & we’re talking about some Samonella species…what’s my ‘bidness’? Teach me how to perform surgery & treat people…Shikena. I don’t need to know what causes ‘hard’ stool, kmt!

There won’t be exams…I hate med school exams especially…true or false. Like seriously, this is inhuman…for every question you answer wrong, at least 1 mark would be deducted from your marks (I don’t know if other departments do this too)…one of my friends (or not?) had a score of -20% in our last test…ko da now! Why not ask direct questions???

We would all have the same brains…some people wouldn’t be scoring 80% when you are struggling to hit the 50% mark…novels would be the only books produced & approved…all other texts would be burnt!

2. HAIR—–» African women would have straight hair too…not kinky ones you have to retourch everytime or comb all the time if you have your natural hair. Our hair would look like Indian women’s hair & then we won’t have to spend our life savings on Brazillian weaves.

Also, when we have our hair straight, we’ll stop seeing hideous & ridiculous lace front wigs…ha!!!! This thing has gone out of hand…why would one use Darling Yaki for lace front wig??? Girls be looking like Ayamatanga’s first daughter…

As an African lady & a Nigerian, deciding what hairstyle to make is one of my most difficult decisions seeing I’m not somebody that doesn’t experiment hair styles. I could braid but that went off my list about 6 months ago when my front hair follicles called to warn me for the last time.

If we have Indian hair on, we’ll just be flat thonging & styling it. We can even fix in dreads if we wanna be gangsta.

3. BODY—-» Breasts would stay where they are supposed to stay- UP!!! Wearing a bra is hard…its not like bras would be totally extinct but we would wear them when we feel like…I wanna be able to go out now and after when I have 3 kids without a bra & some eyes staring at the dangling cones on my chest…Breasts, stand up!!!! Is that too much to ask? *sigh*

Flat tummies would be free, without Dr 90210 or some painful work-outs…in fact, we wouldn’t add weight…we would eat 50 slices of bread and drink 4 gallons of alcohol & our bodies would still look like Idris Elba’s (guys) & Zoe Saldana’s (girls)…
The issue of this tummy has been bothering me…there’s a girl here that her tummy has 4 different layers and yesterday, I saw a victim of tummy enlargement that might never be able to see his penis again, except a liposuction is performed on him 😦 !

4. NATURAL DISASTERS—-» trees would forever be green, ozone layer would give us odeshi, Awolowo wouldn’t die, no earthquakes, Mandela would live forever…there won’t be deaths. We would just shove some very old annoying people in some special freezers…the nice old ones would have an opportunity to be young & start dating again if they want.

5. No generators; I want to have silent time to think & sleep well at night. Ofcourse that means NEPA all over the world (whatever their names are)would be functioning properly.

6. RELATIONSHIPS—-» no complications. We wouldn’t cheat on ourselves. If we have to fight, it would be because the reward would be some hot make-up sex *wink*…Our mums, siblings & friends would like our partners…no mother-in-law palava and we shall all stay within our zones namely friendship, ex’es & lovers’ zones.

7. SEX—-» we would always have hot sweet sex…no STDs (except for cheats)…no unwanted pregnancies…no ‘I mistakenly kissed her/him cause I was drunk’ stories. Blow job & head wouldn’t be as yucky…in fact, guys would give girls ‘free’ head (that is without expecting anything in return)…there won’t be slacked vaginas or too big penises…there won’t be hymens for girls…everybody would be born disvirgined already(that shit is painful!)…guys would not be circumcised…or do you guys want it? Your choice o.

8. MONEY—–» we would print money whenever we want…no need to work, we would all just be at home watching Desperate housewives & co…we would only work if we feel like, not because of money, salary or anything…Everyone would own a printing machine. Well, you would say then we won’t need money but I’m equally as confused as to how this would work out but all I know is me, Deola, would have a personal money-printing machine…well, here’s an idea…I’ll be the dispenser of money…I deserve that position, at least it was my idea…

Then Kate & William wouldn’t buy thousands of pounds of cake , cake that people will eat & shit…or would they sell the shit too? Or one can re-eat it? God knows I would give them just 50 000 naira for cake in my world…

Clothes wouldn’t get dirty, disposeable pots would be used to cook, bbs would neither hang nor spoil, broadcasters would experience automatic castration or hysterectomy…yeah, before I forget, Nollywood would either stop doing rubbish or be banned for life!!!!

I’m not lazy, I just want fairness…

Life…are these too much to ask?????? *sigh*


19 Responses to “Life As I Want It”
  1. @cassbaba noni says:

    Nice! In my world, there’ll be no clothes. There’ll be no premature ejaculation. There’ll be no nagging girls. There’ll be no beards, there’ll be no wanking… Girls will always help out… There’ll be no STDs, even for cheats! We’ll all be like Adam and Eve…. What a Wonderful World!

  2. desiree says:

    deola…u r damn funny! Was in d bus and cldnt help laffing…u r so ryt! Lmfao @ the disvirgined part! So true gurl! Thumbs up! U jst made ma day shine brighter…heheheheh

  3. desiree says:

    @cass… Why is ur world filled wit sex ish? #justaskingnoni

  4. DjBee says:

    Hahahaha i love the money part,aint no telling what i can do and undone,finally have my menage a trois….*sigh*. In other words life aint fair and it wants us to work our butts for this luxury. If life was this easy u would have been writing the opposite.
    Thumbs up though!!!!!

    • adeolaaa says:

      Yeah I get you about the if life was easy talk…hey people!!!!I have a horny guy that needs 2 other guys to have a 3some with. Pls contact him…
      Side note: there won’t be homosexuals in my world tho so have fun now before I take over :p

  5. ruffwise says:

    Lmao…nice post, i support d post on breast,money n sex*wink* bt gals born disvirgined(widout hymen)c’mon-dts kinda lik a spoil sport-it aint gonna b fun nah(derz a reason d word “men” exist in “hymen”) and by d way,me like me circumcised*smug*

  6. Mariam says:

    I just want a simple life, less work more money, no school, no sex *yimu*..frm ur point…i luv d money part but deola u ve ojukokoro and dis is very funny post, i love it!

  7. raihanah says:

    I dunno who ruffwise is…but u must be really disillusioned… There is no beauty in virginity or ‘disvirginity’ ..and no line between the kind of pain and whatever form of ethereal pleasure!!! Y?maybe guys too should hav to wait till they r 16 n above to get their penises scalped! :p

    Deola…I’d also want to not grow old at keep the boobies up..and damn to scrap school out of our lives…thumbs up girl!

    • adeolaaa says:

      Errr @ruffwise, once again what do u enjoy in poking? *hands ruffwise mic*
      Thanks mate! I don’t wanna grow old too, or atleast we should be able to iron or wrinkle lines straight 😦

    • adeolaaa says:

      Errr @ruffwise, once again what do u enjoy in poking? *hands ruffwise mic*
      Thanks mate! I don’t wanna grow old too, or atleast we should be able to iron our wrinkle lines straight 😦

  8. terdoh says:

    Help is on the way. Help is in BRT. It’s coming aite?

    “slacked vaginas or too big penises” Too big penises? I didn’t think that was the problem…

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